Broken

Do you ever have days where you just feel BROKEN? You know that soul shattering, effort crushing, ego bursting, broken feeling? I am having one of those days today. I KNOW there is a spiritual battle going on... everything I strive to be great at is being attacked by the enemy. So I am keeping that in mind... and tomorrow I will wake up and start a new day. But until then, it is hard to keep my chin up. Today I feel a failure in so many ways. I pride myself in doing a good job, especially in the things that are important to me. It seems like today pride is not a good thing to have.

The struggles with Blaine... I knew they were coming. I know he is a good kid, did I really think I was a good enough Mom that we wouldn't have these struggles? I've seen parents much better than I end up with the most horrific situations with their kids. I've seen parents that don't do anything with or for their kids and the kids turn out fine. But I guess in an egotistical naive way, I did think I had done a good enough job that we wouldn't have normal teenage issues. I guess I thought I had done a great enough job raising this child, that we would be void of any teenage struggles that I see so many parents going through. Well, I was wrong.

And then my job. I work for the best boss ever. Not as good as Mel's boss, but almost. :-) Well today he let us know that he was disappointed in us. Ouch... that hurts. This man deserves so much more than I've given over the last few months. I feel so shameful that my boss had to get on to us (and he was so nice about it). I should be doing the best for him, and I haven't. I have been lazy and lax and he deserves so much more.

Then my boss shares that we will not be getting a bonus this year. Profits are down. That bonus (although I don't deserve one with the performance I've given) was to pay for our family vacation this year. We haven't taken a vacation in 2 years and I so desperately want to take my kids to so many places before they are grown and have families of their own. And I am running out of time.

I just feel like I haven't done my best in anything that I do. My marriage, my kids, my job, my spirituality.... and today I just feel like one big failure.

I know it could be so much worse. I REALLY do. But today was the epic "straw that broke the camel's back" for me.

I am determined to not let the devil win this one. Writing is therapeutic for me, so I am getting this out instead of keeping it in... so that tomorrow I can wake up and have a better day, a better attitude and be a better person.

FIVE THINGS I AM THANKFUL FOR:
1. That no matter what I fail at throughout the day, in my dogs' eyes I am still a hero.
2. I am thankful for caramel fudge sundaes. I sure could use one today!!!
3. I am thankful that my kids are healthy.
4. I am thankful that my husband loves me no matter what.
5. I am thankful that I am eating lunch with my Mom tomorrow... I sure need her.